Elephant in the Room
We’ve just found out we’re pregnant, my mind is spinning as I have the dashing realisation - I couldn’t talk to anyone! I’m a big talker. I’m an auditory learner, so I do my best thinking when talking things through with someone/people. I couldn’t immediately voice these concerns to Lanny, my newly pregnant wife who was bursting with elation and pride, even though I know she was having similar fears as me in the same moment.
And now we had this secret that we had to keep for – what was it – 12 weeks – 3 months!? This was too much.
We discussed who we would tell, if anyone – and quickly decided that we would keep it to ourselves. With Lanny’s family history of early miscarriage, there was too much pressure, and we knew that our families were so excited to be grandparents. This baby would be the first grandchild on both sides – this means lots of pressure from every direction.
If I couldn’t talk – then I’d listen. I bought 3 extra Audible credits and stocked up on books. The 3 I started with were:
 | Pregnancy for Men, by Mark Woods 4.6 Stars on Audible 3 Bottles on HYRTB 🍼 🍼 🍼 Get this book on Audible |
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 | The Modern Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond by Marie Louise (Midwife)
4.7 Stars on Audible 3 Bottles on HYRTB |
Elated and Terrified
Finding out you’re going to be a dad can be an amazing experience. I honestly had such elation and joy from the news, I can’t replicate the sensation.
But with the joy, can come a great deal of real, hazy fear. Try to listen to the fear, because you’re allowed to be scared. You’re allowed to be afraid, and to express that fear.
I find with myself that bottling fear ferments it to anger, and there is a better way. You might want to write down how you’re feeling – not to show or share with someone, but for your own viewing. Looking back at something you’ve written or drawn out after 5 minutes, or an hour, or a week can be cathartic. No one else has to read it, but by writing your fears about being a dad gets them on to the page and out of your head.
Have You Read the Books?
For some people, reading books on the topic of fatherhood may help understanding. They may help you face up to some of those initial anxieties. I think we all have them, and they’re perfectly natural. Perhaps the best medicine is laughter? If you’re someone who likes to see the funny side, try “Don’t Panic!” by George Lewis. Though mostly serious, this book will get you laughing at some of the absurd things which are headed your way! It’s a great, gentle way in which tackles some of the big issues head on, and what’s best, it gives you a great point of entry to open a dialogue with your partner,
“I read this funny thing about pregnancy the other day – I wondered if you’re going through this, too?” That’s the best thing about the books, for me – is that they give me an access point to discuss with my wife, the mother of my child. I think being able to have open and honest conversations about the things which are on my mind throughout our pregnancy is the best part of the whole thing. If there are things, you’re struggling to talk to your partner about – find an entry point.
If you’re struggling to talk to your partner – speak to someone independent at Tommy’s, or speak to Samaritans, dialling 116 123, or emailing jo@samaritans.org.
Family Separation Advice, Support, & Community: Dads Unlimited 01233 680150
Samaritans: 116 123 jo@samaritans.org available 24/7
Mental Health Support: Helpline provided by Mental Health Matters. Text the word Kent to 85258 or phone 0800 107 0160 available 24/7.
Victim Support: Support for victims of all crimes 0808 168 9276 https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/
Kent-based Domestic Abuse support information: http://www.domesticabuseservices.org.uk
LGBT Domestic Violence: Galop support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people experiencing domestic violence. Helpline: 0800 999 5428 (lines open Monday, Tuesday & Friday 10am – 4pm, Wednesday & Thursday 10am – 8pm). http://www.galop.org.uk/ Email: help@galop.org.uk
Domestic Abuse Support for Deaf People:
https://signhealth.org.uk/ Text 88802 with the message 121SIGN. Text or WhatsApp/Facetime 07970 350366 Email: da@signhealth.org.uk or Call 020 3947 2601
Survivors UK: Survivors UK supports men who have been raped or sexually abused, no matter when the abuse happened. Also support men coping with the abuse of someone close to them http://www.survivorsuk.org Email: info@survivorsuk.org
Male DA/DV Victim Advice Line: Providing support to men subjected to violence from partners or ex-partners. Helpline: 0808 801 0327 (lines open Monday – Friday 9am-5pm, and 8pm Monday & Wednesday) http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/Email: info@mensadviceline.org.uk
Male Perpetrators of Abuse: helpline run by Respect 0808 802 4040 (office hours)
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