Being out in public and in the immediate vicinity of the maternity unit at our local hospital, Leanne was on high alert. The number of people who know we are pregnant was limited and Leanne was keen to keep it that way. At one point I turned to find she has disappeared behind a pillar as a work colleague walked past. This was not only my first experience of any kind of pregnancy appointment, but also one of the first times I have been ‘out out’ for weeks, you see we first got pregnant during COVID (keep your jokes to yourself). I was not allowed to attend the initial, more routine, appointments with the doctor and midwife. Would I have attended these appointments if we hadn’t been locked down? Well, that’s not important, what’s important is that I was there now… sitting in the waiting room, waiting… and waiting.
Now, being British I love the NHS and complaining. I say this because I am about to complain about the NHS, but I am not really shit-talking the NHS, more exercising my right as a Brit to have a grumble. We sat there watching everyone else in the waiting room go in for their appointments, then more people arrived and they went in... and then again whilst we sat and watched. After 45 minutes I asked what was happening. Apparently, each sonographer has their own list of patients: just our luck - ours was obviously dealing with something... unexpected.
Eventually, we found our way into a dimly lit room, the air thick with anticipation. Leanne was directed to the examination table; I sat in a chair next to her. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and suddenly became aware that I was anxious. Now to be fair, we had been told not to be overly chatty with the technician as they are busy and concentrating, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can see lots of things on the screen and have no idea if they're good or bad…
The Weight of Responsibility:
As a dad-to-be, attending the baby scan isn't just about witnessing a magical moment; it's about facing the undeniable reality of parenthood. The gravity of responsibility hits you like a ton of bricks as you see that tiny, fragile life on the screen. Questions flood your mind: will I be a good father? Can I provide and protect? The enormity of the journey ahead settles heavily on your shoulders, making every flutter of that ultrasound wand feel like a seismic shift in your world.
The Fear of the Unknown:
No matter how prepared you think you are, there's always an undercurrent of fear coursing through your veins during the baby scan. What if something's wrong? What if we're not ready? The 'unknowns' loom large, casting shadows over even the brightest moments. Each second spent waiting for the technician to speak feels like an eternity, in our case the sonographer grunted and then asked Leanne if she was a smoker. Leanne has never touched a cigarette in her life, suddenly I felt a rush of adrenaline, what was wrong? The technician grunted again and then said nothing for what seemed like forever. The relief that washes over you when you hear those words,
"Everything looks healthy" is nothing short of profound.
Navigating Emotions:
Amidst the fear and uncertainty, there's also an undeniable sense of wonder and awe. Seeing your baby's features for the first time, hearing that precious heartbeat—it's a surreal experience that leaves you breathless. It is worth pointing out that it is not like the movies, often the baby needs to be encouraged to get into a better position. This is achieved by your partner unceremoniously jiggling her hips or jumping around, sometimes with success, sometimes without. But intertwined with the joy is a tangled web of emotions: excitement, anxiety, love, and fear all vying for dominance. Navigating this emotional minefield can be exhausting, but I guess that is partly what makes being a parent so amazing. In that moment, everything changes.
I would like to know if my fellow dads had similar experiences, how did you navigate the rollercoaster of emotions? What advice would you offer to those embarking on this wild ride for the first time? Share your experiences and insights—we're all in this together.
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